To Love Again
by JessiM92
Summary: Kevin has trouble getting close to a certain Ed. Can he let go of what happened and learn to love again?
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Okay. So. New story. New lines. New everything. This is...this is going to be a bit different than normal. There're going to be a few things in this story ya'll won't like. So, I'm apologizing ahead of time. Sorry for this. Another thing. This is my way of saying sorry to you guys for taking so damn long on updating my other stories. Lol. Oh! Also! Credit to dshell99 for helping me with the title of this story! "To Love Again" is going to be a fun ride. Hopefully.**

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"Baby, don't let the lights go down."  
He heard him chuckle a little bit behind him. "And why not?" He took a moment to think of his answer. "Because I don't know if you'll be there when I wake up."

Kevin looked down into the blue eyes he's loved for so long and felt something tug at his heart. "D..."

"I know it sounds ridiculous. But I miss you when you're gone and I feel like dying when you aren't near me. I know I sound melodramatic. But I miss you, Kevin. I miss you. And I'm not sure if I'm supposed to." Double Dee said, tears streaming down his face. He turned away. He knew this routine. He'd turn his back and he'd feel Kevin move out of bed and rustle around for his clothes. He'd walk out and down the stairs to the front door where his shoes were. And then he'd hear the click of the door as it shut with finality. Then Double Dee wouldn't see nor hear from him for a few months.

And just like he expected, Kevin moved and was gone. He didn't wait for the click of the door. He cried. He let the tears fall full force. He picked up his phone and dialed Nat's number. He needed a friend and Nat was the only one who knew what he was going through. Having been through it himself.

A few minutes later, Nat was laying beside Double Dee. Holding him close to his chest while he cried and continued to hold him while he slept. It was nearly two in the morning when he quietly slipped out of the house and across the street. He knocked on the grey colored door. And waited. A few minutes later, Kevin answered. His eyes landing on Nat for a split second.

He sighed. "Hey man. Come on in."  
"Actually Kevin, I won't be coming in."  
"Oh?"  
"Yeah. Did you know, Kevin, that every time you leave I am the one he calls? I am the one who comes running to pick up what's left of him. All because you can't be man enough to fucking admit you're gay and in love with that kid across the street. He loves you and you take advantage of him every chance you get. And for what? So you can get your rocks off? Man, I thought you were better than this Kev. I thought you were better." And with that, Nat walked off. Leaving Kevin standing on his front porch, dumbfounded. But as soon as he turned around to go inside, he let the tears fall.

And to no one in particular, he said "how am I supposed to love again?"

Kevin lay awake in bed. Thoughts of the boy with the bluest eyes swirling around in his head. He did love him. And he planned to come out to his family, then his friends. It wasn't that he was afraid. Oh no. Kevin was very much not afraid of coming out. What he was afraid of was losing the people he loved most of he did. So really in a weird way he was a bit afraid. But don't ask him if he is, he'll deny it.

If he was being honest with himself though, extremely honest, he was terrified of losing Double Dee. Although he already knew he was. It was happening slowly, but he knew. He had been there when he needed someone the most. And he had been the one to save him from himself.

Kevin was his own worst enemy.

Thoughts of another boy entered his mind. The first boy. The boy who looked exactly like the Dork across the street. He was dominant, strong, sexy as all get out, and Kevin had fallen for the boy with a bad attitude. That summer was a mix of parties, sex, and other such nonsense. Until...until it came to a stop. A stand still.

He had found the boy in bed with another. Someone who looked like a dorkier version of Kevin. He was angry.

"What the fuck Edd?"  
"Whatever do you mean, mon Cherie?"  
"You're in bed with another fucking person and you ask me what I mean? Are you crazy? What the fuck Edd?"

Edd, or Eddward, sat up. He swung his legs over the side and stood. "Kevin, shall we take this out to the living room?"  
"Yes. I think we fucking should."  
"Language, Kevin."  
"Fuck off Rockwell."

For an hour, he and Eddward argued. For an hour, Kevin felt his heart break. How could someone he loved just betray him like that? Did he really love Eddward? Or was he just infatuated with the boy?

"Kevin. I no longer have time to deal with your problem. So let me make this perfectly clear. You were only a distraction. A means to an end. My Pumpkin is now home from his European getaway. You were never more than a fling. Now kindly show yourself out, Kevin." And with that, Eddward walked away and into his room. Shutting the door with a loud click. He could hear Eddward tell the smaller redhead that everything was fine. That the problem had been resolved and that he needn't worry. Kevin walked out, slamming the door behind himself.

Coming back to reality, Kevin managed to sit up and swing his legs over the side to go to the bathroom. After all, he still had school to attend.

And quite possibly a boy to avoid. He wasn't sure yet.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So. I know that when I first posted this story, it was to give you guys something to read while you waited on MIL and WINY. And until a few days ago, I had completely forgotten I had even written it. So. Here's chapter two. This is Double Dee's break down.**

 _ **From nervous touch and getting drunk**_

Since that night Kevin walked out, Double Dee shut himself away. He didn't want to deal with anyone and their sympathy. He had fallen in love with the resident bad boy. Cliche, maybe? Yeah, probably. But he didn't care. Although the redhead wanted to keep what they had in the dark, Dee lived for the nights that he would sneak in and stay for a few hours. He knew exactly what was going on, he knew that what they "had" wasn't what he thought it was. But, that didn't stop him from hoping and dreaming that one day it might be _something_.

It had been months since he heard from or seen Kevin. And it broke him. It left him depressed and withdrawn. Nat tried to help him move on but nothing he said or did reached Double Dee like he hoped he would. Nat could only hope and pray that he made it out of whatever hole he was in one piece. Rave would tell him that Kevin wasn't worth his tears. Or his heart. "Because if he was, Dee, he would have stayed and admitted his feelings for you. He would have brought you out into the light and showed you off. He wouldn't have kept you in the dark, where he was ashamed of you and of himself." Double Dee could only nod at this. Angela and Trevor would stop by after school and after work to spend time with their smartest friend. They didn't know what to say about the subject at hand, so they would mostly just sit in silence. Sometimes reading, sometimes cuddling the life out of him.

Honestly, Double Dee liked it when they came over the most. They didn't try to sympathize or try to talk to him. They left him be.

 _But now we're sleeping at the edge_

"Double Dee. Come on, dude. You have to get past this. He'll never be there for you, emotionally, like we are. Plus, you have to come back to school eventually. You're fucking up your own perfect attendance." Nazz said softly. She felt for the poor boy. He didn't deserve any of what he was going through. "I had Mother and Father pull me out and home school me." He said. Nazz could only stare. The boy that sat in front of her now was completely different than the boy who sat across from her at lunch and laughed and smiled with the group. This boy...this boy saddened her heart.

She sighed. She didn't know how to help her friend and that killed her. She wanted to help. She did, she just didn't know how. Kevin was kind and his normal self before the summer. But when he came back from his vacation with his family, he was different. He was more withdrawn. He seemed more like a duller version of himself. When he saw Double Dee the moment he walked outside, he latched onto him and never let go. Now look where they're at.

She was pulled from her thoughts when Double Dee spoke. "I feel like I'm drowning, Nazz. Like I can't keep my head above water. Everything hurts and I want it to stop hurting. I..." He let out a choked sob before he could finish his sentence. Nazz pulled the smol boy into her lap and held him tight while she rocked him. She had never seen him this upset over something. While she let him cry on her shoulder, she thought back to before the summer. Kevin was a nice person, he helped all of his friends. He hung out with the smartest of the Ed's almost every single day. She figured they would become an item before the end of the summer. but then he went on vacation with his parents and came back a different person. She didn't understand how someone could change that much in just three shorts months.

He had stopped calling, texting, hanging out with anyone that he considered his friend. All except for Nazz. She was his best girlfriend. She wouldn't let him just abandon her like he did all the others. She noticed how hard it was for Double Dee to accept that Kevin wanted nothing to do with him for a while. Then she noticed a change in Double Dee. She didn't know whether she liked it or not. On too many occasions, she would see Nat walk out of the house with him. On too many occasions, she would see that Kevin was sneaking over and then leaving a few hours after. It didn't take her long to figure out what was going on.

 _I hate you, I love you, I hate that I love you_

She sighed. "Double Dee. I'm going to leave you for a little while. Okay? Call Nat and have him come over. Keep you company. There's something I need to do." She said, kissing his forehead and walking out. And right across the street to one Kevin Sophia Barr. She politely knocked. And waited. When Kevin finally answered the door, she didn't let him say a word before she slapped him.

"What the fuck, Nazz?!"

"That, Kevin, is for breaking Double Dee's heart and for using him like you have been. Stop fucking with him. If you don't want to be with him, leave him alone. He doesn't need anymore pain from you, dude."

"Nazz. What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you sneaking over to his house in the middle of the night, fucking him, then leaving. That is what the fuck I'm talking about, Barr. You don't even see that the boy loves you and would do anything for you. I don't know what happened to you over the summer, but Double Dee doesn't deserve this."

"Nazz..."

"No, Kevin. Either stop what you're doing with him or I'll make it stop myself. And trust me, you don't want me to get involved." She said, steeling herself. Kevin sighed.

"Okay. Okay. Okay, I'll stop."

"Good. Also. Stay away from him. You've done enough damage." And she walked away. He watched her walk back across to Double Dee's house and let herself in. A few minutes later, a black Camaro made it's way down the street and parked in the driveway. He saw Nat and Rave get out of the car and walk to the door. They also let themselves in.

"Fuck..." He muttered to himself.

He needed to fix things between them before he could ever leave the Dork alone.

 _Do you miss me like I miss you?_

 _Fucked around and got attached to you_


	3. Chapter 3

He waited for everyone to leave his house. Like a hawk, he waited and watched. With every breath, he became more nervous. He hoped they would leave soon. About a quarter to midnight, everyone left. "Finally." He said under his breath. He needed to apologize. He needed to do this and then let him go. he had thought about what he had done to Double Dee. And it made him sick to his stomach. He was treating this Double Dee like the other one had treated him. He didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. Using the boy and then throwing him away once had gotten what he wanted. This wasn't how he was raised. His mother would turn over in her grave if she found out what he was doing. So, he decided enough was enough. No more, he thought to himself. He wouldn't, couldn't, do that anymore. Not to him. Not to sweet and delicate Double Dee. It didn't matter if he looked like the other one. The other boy he gave his heart up to.

He didn't feel his feet move. He didn't know he was right in front of the door until he was standing there. He also hadn't realized that he had already knocked on the door. Before he could turn tail and run, the boy with the deepest blue eyes he had ever seen, was standing right in front of him. He was rooted to the spot. He couldn't move. He didn't want to. But, looking into those blue orbs was almost...terrifying. He saw a mixture of grief, anger, and contempt in those eyes. And he knew they were for him. What he had done to that boy.

"What do you want, Barr?" Growled Double Dee.

Kevin stared, dumbfounded. He had never called him by his last name before. Not even when he was angry. That was a new experience, a new feeling. And he found he didn't like it. He didn't like it at all.

"Well?" The boy growled.

"Oh. Uh. I, uh, I came over to apologize."

"What?"

"I'm here to apologize. I shouldn't have done what I did to you. It was...wrong and out of character for me. And I'm sorry. I really am."

Double Dee stared at him for a moment. "Would you like to come in, Kevin?" He asked. Kevin smiled and shook his head.

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"Kevin, if I may, what prompted you to come over and apologize? You haven't before. Why this time?"

"Well. To be honest, Nazz told me I should. That I needed to. She came over right after I left your place. I guess you called her or something. She told me to apologize to you and to leave you alone after that. Cut ties."

"I see."

"Yeah."

"But it wasn't her place to say anything."

"She loves you, dude. She'd do anything to protect you from people that might want to use you. Especially from people like me."

"Be that as it may-"

"Edd. Don't sweat it. She did what she did out of love for you. Don't be mad at her for trying to make sure you're okay."

"If you say so."

"I do."

They both sat in silence for a moment. "Kevin?"

"Hhmm?"

"What made you want to... _pursue_ something with me? What made you do what you did?"

Kevin sighed. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you." He said, laying his head back against the couch.

"Try me."

"It's a long story, Dee."

"We've got time. Remember?"

Kevin sighed again. "Okay. Get comfortable. This may upset you a lot more than you think it will."

Double Dee stared at Kevin for long moment. Then he got up and got what he thought was necessary.

A blanket, a few pillows, tea for the both of them. He even brought out Kevin's basketball shorts he had left one night. But that's another story for another chapter. Once Double Dee had gathered everything he needed, he walked back to the living room. "Here, you'll want these back." He said, flinging Kevin's shorts at his head. "Dude! I was looking for these! I left them here?" He asked.

"Yes you did."

"Choice."

"You're welcome, Kevin."

"Thanks, Dee."

Once they were settled on the couch, Double Dee turned to Kevin and waited. Kevin knew what he wanted, but he didn't know how to tell him the story. After a few minutes of silence, Double Dee cleared his throat. "So. How did...this between us start?" Kevin groaned. "Are you sure you want to hear this? It could upset you." Double Dee just stared at him. "Go on, Kevin." He sighed.

 _It was summer. Nazz had went off to some cheer camp and the boys were all on vacation. So I was left to do pretty much anything on my own. But I was bored. So I went to the neighboring town, west of here. Cherry Hill. Mom had given me her card for the day to get some clothes and food since I was going to be there all day. I rode around for a bit, just getting a feel for the place before I stopped anywhere. They have this mall there, it's about three stories high. It's pretty neat. I took the time to sort of explore it. You know, just to see what I could find. Well, I walked into this store that reminded me of...well, anyway, I walked in and there was this boy. He was just staring at this telescope they had set up in the middle of the store. It was pretty neat. Had this hook up for your iPhone or Android so whatever you were looking at through the scope, you could also see on your phone._

 _It just so happened to be the last one, too. I tried to talking to the dude, too see if he really wanted it. Because if he didn't, I was going to buy it. Gift to a friend._

 _"Ah, mon cher," he said, "I'm afraid I like this telescope too much to let it go. I think I will buy it. Besides, what use would you have for it?"_

 _I looked at him for a moment. Then I said, "Well. It isn't for me. It's for a friend. For his birthday. I came out today to find something for him. And I know he'd love this thing."_

 _"Hhmm. Well, I am sorry to say that I still want the 'scope."_

 _"It's cool dude. I can find him something else."_

 _Then we parted ways. A few hours later I saw him again in a different store. "What are the chances I'd bump into you again?" I asked him. He thought for a moment. "About a million and one. What brings you here, Pumpkin?"_

 _"My mom. She loves Bath and Body Works. I'm looking for Japanese Cherry Blossom and Sweet Pea, two of her favorite scents. Thought I'd surprise her with them since she's running low on them. What brings you in here?"_

 _"I'm looking for Pumpkin Spice. But I suppose they're out."_

 _"...it's a seasonal scent. It won't be around again until October. Sorry, dude."_

 _He didn't say anything. So I got what I needed and walked out._

 _After that, I would see him around Peach Creek and Cherry Hill. It wasn't until about three weeks after I first saw him that we struck up a conversation. The first of many. A week after that, we were sort of seeing each other. We saw each other every day for the whole of summer. I thought...I thought he really cared for me. Loved me, even. But, I thought wrong. We had spent literally every day with each other and then all of a sudden, it was like it never even happened. Never mattered. None of it. Like none of it mattered to him. TO HIM. I wanted to surprise him. Because, because I was going to tell him I loved him._

 _I went to his house. And I walked in, like I usually do, but there was another voice coming from his room. I didn't know the voice. So I stormed in, demanding to know what was going on. The other boy just looked at him and then looked at Eddward. He asked, "Who is this, Edd?" I didn't think that a heart like mine could break from a few simple words. He had said, "No one, Pumpkin. Kevin, can we take this to the living room?" Of course, I shook my head. Not trusting myself to speak._

 _He told me I had been nothing but a summer fling. That was I just a distraction for him until his boyfriend came home from vacation. He told me to go home after that. So I did. Then school started back up for us._

Kevin and Double Dee sat quietly after Kevin was done with his story. Double Dee could now understand why he was acting the way he was with him every time he came by. But, what hurt him the most, was the fact that Kevin had only been using him.

"So...there's no possibility of there ever being an us?"

Kevin looked at Double Dee. He hadn't really thought of that before. He didn't mean to let things go this far. "Maybe. I don't know. I'm...I'm all messed up. In here." He said, pointing to his head. Double Dee took his hand and held it. "I will help you sort through all of your feelings, all of your problems. I'll be here for you. I promise." He said, kissing the hand he held.

Kevin only cried.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I know! I know! I know! :( I am a horrible person. I've had some shit going on this month (or however long it took me to update) and I put everything on hold. Between moving and my mental health and some personal shit, I didn't have the time to sit down and write out a chapter for you guys. :( I am so so sorry! I'm going to do better about updating though. Maybe once every two weeks. What do you guys think? Once every week or once every two weeks? Let me know in the comments you leave!**

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"You forgave him? What the hell for, D?" Nazz said, her anger flaring.

"I don't expect you to understand, Nazz." He said, exasperation clear in his voice. He didn't want to explain to Nazz why he did it. It's not like really forgave Kevin, because he hasn't. But everyone deserves a second chance. He also may have felt like he didn't have to explain himself. Why should he? It was his decision. No one else can make him think that he made a mistake. He knows he didn't.

"Then explain it to me, D. Because I'm not understanding how you could just forgive him. I mean, dude, the way he treated you. For months, the way he treated you. He did you dirty, D! Why-" She was cut off by Double D.

"Nazz, enough! Jesus. Stop asking questions. I didn't just 'forgive him' as you say." He looked at Nazz with exasperation and sadness in his eyes. And what looked like unshed tears, threatening to fall. She sighed, loudly. She walked over and sat next to him on the couch. And she waited. She knew he would say something once he got his thoughts together. And eventually, he did. He told her about the boy who looked just like him. He mentioned the fight they had had that fateful day last summer. How things had started between them. And Nazz sat quietly, listening to the story of her once upon time best friend. She heard the heartbreak in the story told to her by Double Dee. She heard how Kevin had gotten so wrapped up in this other boy and how he had come away with a broken heart and insecurities.

Then she listened to Double Dee and his plan of forgiving Kevin and maybe making something out of this broken relationship they shared. Even if they had started out as fuck buddies, they could make it into something more. Something that Kevin and himself desperately needed.

Later, when Nazz had long since gone home and left Double Dee alone for the night, the aforementioned plan came to fruition. He had only hoped that he was strong enough to survive the onslaught.

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Kevin stared at his phone. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do. He hovered over Double Dee's contact. A part of him wanted to text him, another wanted to call. But then a small voice in the back of his head kept telling him that he should just go over there if he wanted to see the Dork. He groaned and threw his phone onto his bed. "I'm making this harder than it actually is." He said to no one in particular. He rubbed his face. He sighed. "Fuck it. He's right across the street, I'll just walk over there."

He got up out of bed and got dressed. Just as he was pulling on his shoes, his phone dinged. It was a text from Double Dee.

Dee: What are you doing?

Kevin: I was actually just about to walk out the door to come see you. Why? What's up?

Dee: Oh.

Kevin: ?

Dee: The front door is unlocked. You have my permission to walk in.

Kevin: Oh. Choice. See you in a minute.

Dee: Alright. I'll be waiting. ;)

Kevin didn't respond. He was staring at Double Dee's last text. _Why would he send a winky face?_ He asked himself. He shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the house and across the street. He was still wondering about the text when he walked into Double Dee's house. Methodically, he took his shoes off at the door and walked upstairs to the room he knew so well. Kevin walked in, not paying attention and ran smack into Double Dee.

"Ow!"

"Shit! I'm so sorry! Dee. Are you okay? Here, let me look."

"Kevin...Kevin, I'm alright. Just a slight bump. Kevin, please. I'm alright. Kevin!"

"Dude! I just ran into you, let me make sure you're okay. Damn." And Kevin grabbed at the dork and pushed his head one way and then the other. He knew he was okay, he just wanted to touch Double Dee. Once he was satisfied, he let go of the ravenette and stood back. Double Dee stared him down. He crooked an eyebrow and then walked right past him. Kevin made to go after him, but the blue eyed boy simply just pushed him back towards the bed and waited until Kevin sat on the edge.

"Now, I'm going to downstairs to get some snacks. Make yourself comfortable and I'll be right back." Double Dee said and bounded out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen. Which left Kevin alone in the room. He only hoped Kevin wouldn't get curious enough to look around; he didn't want him finding the special box he had under his bed. Or did he?

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Double Dee was meticulous. He was a planner. He was strategic and he was pretty much the smartest kid in Peach Creek. So when he decided to give Kevin another chance, he went about planning ways to make sure Kevin stayed. But, sometimes plans don't always go the way we want them to. Double Dee was about to find this out in a small way.

Once he was finished in the kitchen, he carried the tray that he had set all of the snacks and drinks on back to the room. He had made sure to stock up on Kevin's favorite chips and dip, soda, and sweets. He wanted the fiery redhead to feel welcome. He expected to see Kevin still sitting on the edge of the bed, playing on his phone or fiddling with his hat. What he didn't expect was Kevin sprawled out on his bed, his box beside him. The Ravenette's blue eyes grew to the size of saucers. His cheeks flamed red and his grip tightened on the tray he was holding. He was afraid he might drop it.

"So, dork, been hiding something from me?" Kevin asked, a red silicone dildo in his hands. And a smile on his face.

"Uh...Kevin, how did...where did...where did you find that?"

"Under the bed. Actually. I was taking my socks off when I noticed the corner of this box sticking out. I got a bit too curious after staring at it and decided to open it." Kevin said, with a deliciously smug smile. Double Dee gulped audibly. He set the tray down on the computer desk and stood there, looking at Kevin with...what? Fear? Lust? Longing? He wasn't sure what look he was wearing, but it was enough to make Kevin move and come towards him. Slowly, like a tiger hunting its prey. And isn't that just what Double Dee was, Kevin's prey? Or was it the other way around?

He wasn't sure. But what he was sure of, was that he wanted Kevin to take him in every possible way. It seems the plan he had so meticulously laid out for himself was backfiring. Could he handle this turn events?


End file.
